Our darkest hour...

...is not an hour that you ever want to imagine. A time when your soul feels bruised and you feel so helpless. Alas, this reflection:
I've relied on others for deep validation for so long. I've been trying my whole young adult life to secure a lifelong lasting relationship based on all the right things and one that I felt "God has called me to." I felt that he brought that into my life. But...I'm now being forced to acknowledge that during that time I've never taken seriously how much I struggle with in my own self-image/worth and that is more important than anything. We are who we are and we cannot change our past....we have to accept and love the broken parts of ourselves...and truly ask God to heal us of our shame and insecurities instead of seeking that validation from another person. Until we know for certain that we are worthy of love, until we know that we are confident and capable of loving another person(as we love ourselves) because we ourselves are whole, then we are not yet ready for what God has placed in front of us. And to think of how afraid I am of death and physical pain and failure and emotional/relationship failure....these things are not of God...and when they build up so much that I feel overwhelmed I direct that uncertainty at the person/people I seek validation from.
 All of this I see now.
But I need help finding strategies to manage these parts of myself that can be so vulnerable to fear a criticism and obsession...and learn to LOVE through it...not to be angry at who I am...but to calmly let these feelings dissipate and then act out of love, confidence, hope in the greater good.
The world wants us to question ourselves, question others, be brought down by our sins, be hopeless about the future, lose strength in ourselves, feel lost/lonely/scared, try to have control over everything and feel incapable of real love.
I feel like I have been (deep down) living out of that place for a long time (many years) now. And the world does not rule over me. God is bigger than all of that and I truly feel that He is speaking to me.- in the darkest time of my life- and inviting me into His reality of real holiness and love.
I've been peering in the window for years now-knowing that His world is truth...but I think I've been too stuck in this world and chosen ultimately to believe the lies that evil tells me about myself...and never felt like I was worthy or capable of entering into God's world and loving myself and letting CHRIST define who I am. I've known that Christ is our identity but never fully let Him have my heart.
Because it is scary! And people make mistakes. That is what human beings do. But God does not need us to judge ourselves and judge others for these mistakes. No matter how much pain they may cause. We must have forgiving hearts and not forget to smile and laugh in the face of adversity.
I see now that with as much challenge as there is out there in the world, evil will feast upon those souls who let challenge to fear and uncertainty (insert prayer to Saint Michael the Archangel here.) We must decide once and for all not to be afraid, not to let emotions control us...to believe in Christ in us. And then, take Jesus' hand know that he is always with us and move forward.
It's crazy how powerful evil can be in trying to use fear to keep us from God and the goodness he is trying to give us. He tries to get us to cling to things within ourselves that make us feel incomplete and unworthy and only if we can let go can God get in to do work. I'm a person who tends to want to know WHY things are happening, where things are headed, etc. If I can't get a clear view of that then in the past I've tended to get scared. But I know now that I cannot live this way. I can't be scared, sad, emotional, doubting, controlling. I have been in lockdown in my soul and Satan has had me in his vicegrip in fear. What an ugly thing. And what a very, very scary thing. Tormented in my own my while trying desperately to reach out to God. And my prayers may reach God but God cannot reach me unless I use all of my strength that He has put in me and get out of this vicious cycle.
Then I must abide in God's love. Feel no shame. God is for us, not against us. In times of attack we must confess that God loves us and not allow evil to steal that from our hearts.
Stay close to God's love and you will have victory. The bigger the struggle, the greater the reward.
Be courageous, fear nothing and you will not be disappointed!
I cannot see past today but God is already there and has promised its beauty.