Feeling abandoned in your time of greatest need by someone you trusted in so deeply has to be one of the most isolating feelings known to man. I have faith in God that He will bring goodness to those hearts who trust in Him.

Our darkest hour...

...is not an hour that you ever want to imagine. A time when your soul feels bruised and you feel so helpless. Alas, this reflection:
I've relied on others for deep validation for so long. I've been trying my whole young adult life to secure a lifelong lasting relationship based on all the right things and one that I felt "God has called me to." I felt that he brought that into my life. But...I'm now being forced to acknowledge that during that time I've never taken seriously how much I struggle with in my own self-image/worth and that is more important than anything. We are who we are and we cannot change our past....we have to accept and love the broken parts of ourselves...and truly ask God to heal us of our shame and insecurities instead of seeking that validation from another person. Until we know for certain that we are worthy of love, until we know that we are confident and capable of loving another person(as we love ourselves) because we ourselves are whole, then we are not yet ready for what God has placed in front of us. And to think of how afraid I am of death and physical pain and failure and emotional/relationship failure....these things are not of God...and when they build up so much that I feel overwhelmed I direct that uncertainty at the person/people I seek validation from.
 All of this I see now.
But I need help finding strategies to manage these parts of myself that can be so vulnerable to fear a criticism and obsession...and learn to LOVE through it...not to be angry at who I am...but to calmly let these feelings dissipate and then act out of love, confidence, hope in the greater good.
The world wants us to question ourselves, question others, be brought down by our sins, be hopeless about the future, lose strength in ourselves, feel lost/lonely/scared, try to have control over everything and feel incapable of real love.
I feel like I have been (deep down) living out of that place for a long time (many years) now. And the world does not rule over me. God is bigger than all of that and I truly feel that He is speaking to me.- in the darkest time of my life- and inviting me into His reality of real holiness and love.
I've been peering in the window for years now-knowing that His world is truth...but I think I've been too stuck in this world and chosen ultimately to believe the lies that evil tells me about myself...and never felt like I was worthy or capable of entering into God's world and loving myself and letting CHRIST define who I am. I've known that Christ is our identity but never fully let Him have my heart.
Because it is scary! And people make mistakes. That is what human beings do. But God does not need us to judge ourselves and judge others for these mistakes. No matter how much pain they may cause. We must have forgiving hearts and not forget to smile and laugh in the face of adversity.
I see now that with as much challenge as there is out there in the world, evil will feast upon those souls who let challenge to fear and uncertainty (insert prayer to Saint Michael the Archangel here.) We must decide once and for all not to be afraid, not to let emotions control us...to believe in Christ in us. And then, take Jesus' hand know that he is always with us and move forward.
It's crazy how powerful evil can be in trying to use fear to keep us from God and the goodness he is trying to give us. He tries to get us to cling to things within ourselves that make us feel incomplete and unworthy and only if we can let go can God get in to do work. I'm a person who tends to want to know WHY things are happening, where things are headed, etc. If I can't get a clear view of that then in the past I've tended to get scared. But I know now that I cannot live this way. I can't be scared, sad, emotional, doubting, controlling. I have been in lockdown in my soul and Satan has had me in his vicegrip in fear. What an ugly thing. And what a very, very scary thing. Tormented in my own my while trying desperately to reach out to God. And my prayers may reach God but God cannot reach me unless I use all of my strength that He has put in me and get out of this vicious cycle.
Then I must abide in God's love. Feel no shame. God is for us, not against us. In times of attack we must confess that God loves us and not allow evil to steal that from our hearts.
Stay close to God's love and you will have victory. The bigger the struggle, the greater the reward.
Be courageous, fear nothing and you will not be disappointed!
I cannot see past today but God is already there and has promised its beauty.

Hard to do...but so incredibly necessary.

Faith: you can have it if you ask for it.

How interesting and ironic that Francisco just posted about the very thing that was on my mind! It seems we have a bit of what I like to call "E.T. Syndrome" going on here, where one person feels what the other is feeling at that very moment. :)
      After some difficult personal struggles resurfaced for me this past week I too found myself desperate to let God take away the burdens that I feel like I have been carrying around as long as I can remember. I once read a book in college titled "The Sacred Romance" and in it the author references the Arrows that have pierced our heart at points in our lives and can remain lodged there if we don't allow God to heal us. I think this is an awesome description that we can all relate to. I can especially identify with it at this particular point in my life where I am faced with the harsh reality of some of the Arrows I still carry in my heart (and which have affected my decision-making for many years now) and the deeply intense ways they paralyze me.
     No one wants to live in a state of feeling like we are controlled by our sufferings, especially when we see how people we love are impacted. However, one thing I know to be true is that I can only find peace and (gradual) healing from sufferings such as these when I 100% trust God to do it. I see myself as a flawed human being, acutely aware of my own shortcomings, doubtful of my own abilities to what seems impossible, feeling inferior to those who seem to be able to love so freely in ways that I feel unable to. I sometimes feel like a slave to my Arrows.
    This is not how God sees me, or any of us. He has created us to love far beyond what we dream we are capable of and I believe that if we ask for it, not only does he help heal our hearts to be able to do so but he also places people at our side to nourish the process.
     At mass tonight the priest spoke to the notion we must strive for absolute faith. To have faith in God in all aspects of our lives, especially in those things we cling to control. This does not mean to pray and then say "but what if..." it means to pray and walk away...leave it 100% with God....trust Him. "This is when miracles happen," he said.
    I think I could use a miracle.

Let Go, Let God.

Currently, I'm much in the need of just letting God take over my life in places where I want to control, especially when that control isn't within my capacity. Trusting God and just placing our problems in Him sounds so easy, but when you like to know where things are going and how they're going to play out, it's so difficult to do. I thought I'd paste some quotes from where I found this picture. While the great majority speak on forgiveness, I think they're still prevalent to what the message is: Let Go, Let God.


“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”  - Paul Boese
“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means moving on.”  - Anonymous
 “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”  - Herman Hesse
“One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.”  - Michael Cibenko.
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”  - Oprah Winfrey
“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.”  - Gerald Jampolsky
“Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?”  - Leo Buscaglia
“Suffering is not holding you. You are holding suffering. When you become good at the art of letting sufferings go, then you’ll come to realize how unnecessary it was for you to drag those burdens around with you. You’ll see that no one else other than you was responsible. The truth is that existence wants your life to become a festival.”  - Osho

Though it may sound simple, I think the ever-smiling venerable Buddhist monk, Ajahn Chah’s advice sums it up best: “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”

Life is a gift.

The picture above is Cameron J. Miller, and the one below is of Erin Noble. Cam went to my high school in Gonzaga, and even though I was just an acquaintance at best, I knew he was absolutely hilarious and very intelligent. I found out yesterday he went to the University of Alabama for law, where he graduated magna cum laude. He was working for a firm in Alabama, and he also was coaching 7th and 8th grade lacrosse. He died yesterday due to a brain aneurism from undiagnosed leukemia. Erin was in the grade above me at Pomona, and I knew him even less than Cam. What I did know was that he loved the outdoors and seemed like he had a free spirit. I read yesterday that he traveled the globe, had some amazing adventures, and lived his life to the fullest. He was, in other words, a modern day gypsy; one who was happy, open, and always respectful and joyful. He died yesterday in a plane crash.

I wasn't best friends with these two men. I wouldn't even consider them friends, more acquaintances than anything else. But I know people who were deeply hurt by their passing, and it just made me think about how precious life truly is. I probably never would have seen those guys in those pictures again in life...but now, it is CERTAIN than I never will. Death creates a certainty that is ultimate, infinite, and powerful. It also makes me just so thankful of the gift of life God has given me and the people he has put into it. It makes me reflect on who I am, what I do, and who I'm with...and how appreciative I am of those things.

I read a post someone wrote about Erin, and I saw some questions he posed that I think are good reminders to ask ourselves:

Think about where you’re currently at in life, and where you want to be.  Are you on the path you want? What small change can you make today to start heading in the direction you want to be going?

What do you like to do? Do more of it.

Who do you like to be with? See them more often.

Where do you want to go? Just go, the details are just that.

Who do you want to be? Start being it. The only person who cares about your excuses are you.

And finally, something I read a while ago...Don't let what you want make you forget the things you have. 

Life truly is a gift. In the wan of wanting to pray more and reflect on God more often, this was a definite reminder of the realities in life and that the moments we have are precious and valuable. No time for excuses...just time to be a better person through God and allow Him to work in my life.

"Slow down everyone you're moving too fast." -Jack Johnson

Find a picture that defines your current idea of peace and quiet. 

This escape to Tybee Island is much needed for all parts of my being. So lucky to have found a man who sees God in the sea as much as I do.