Hard to do...but so incredibly necessary.

Faith: you can have it if you ask for it.

How interesting and ironic that Francisco just posted about the very thing that was on my mind! It seems we have a bit of what I like to call "E.T. Syndrome" going on here, where one person feels what the other is feeling at that very moment. :)
      After some difficult personal struggles resurfaced for me this past week I too found myself desperate to let God take away the burdens that I feel like I have been carrying around as long as I can remember. I once read a book in college titled "The Sacred Romance" and in it the author references the Arrows that have pierced our heart at points in our lives and can remain lodged there if we don't allow God to heal us. I think this is an awesome description that we can all relate to. I can especially identify with it at this particular point in my life where I am faced with the harsh reality of some of the Arrows I still carry in my heart (and which have affected my decision-making for many years now) and the deeply intense ways they paralyze me.
     No one wants to live in a state of feeling like we are controlled by our sufferings, especially when we see how people we love are impacted. However, one thing I know to be true is that I can only find peace and (gradual) healing from sufferings such as these when I 100% trust God to do it. I see myself as a flawed human being, acutely aware of my own shortcomings, doubtful of my own abilities to what seems impossible, feeling inferior to those who seem to be able to love so freely in ways that I feel unable to. I sometimes feel like a slave to my Arrows.
    This is not how God sees me, or any of us. He has created us to love far beyond what we dream we are capable of and I believe that if we ask for it, not only does he help heal our hearts to be able to do so but he also places people at our side to nourish the process.
     At mass tonight the priest spoke to the notion we must strive for absolute faith. To have faith in God in all aspects of our lives, especially in those things we cling to control. This does not mean to pray and then say "but what if..." it means to pray and walk away...leave it 100% with God....trust Him. "This is when miracles happen," he said.
    I think I could use a miracle.

Let Go, Let God.

Currently, I'm much in the need of just letting God take over my life in places where I want to control, especially when that control isn't within my capacity. Trusting God and just placing our problems in Him sounds so easy, but when you like to know where things are going and how they're going to play out, it's so difficult to do. I thought I'd paste some quotes from where I found this picture. While the great majority speak on forgiveness, I think they're still prevalent to what the message is: Let Go, Let God.


“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”  - Paul Boese
“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means moving on.”  - Anonymous
 “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”  - Herman Hesse
“One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.”  - Michael Cibenko.
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”  - Oprah Winfrey
“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.”  - Gerald Jampolsky
“Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?”  - Leo Buscaglia
“Suffering is not holding you. You are holding suffering. When you become good at the art of letting sufferings go, then you’ll come to realize how unnecessary it was for you to drag those burdens around with you. You’ll see that no one else other than you was responsible. The truth is that existence wants your life to become a festival.”  - Osho

Though it may sound simple, I think the ever-smiling venerable Buddhist monk, Ajahn Chah’s advice sums it up best: “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”

Life is a gift.

The picture above is Cameron J. Miller, and the one below is of Erin Noble. Cam went to my high school in Gonzaga, and even though I was just an acquaintance at best, I knew he was absolutely hilarious and very intelligent. I found out yesterday he went to the University of Alabama for law, where he graduated magna cum laude. He was working for a firm in Alabama, and he also was coaching 7th and 8th grade lacrosse. He died yesterday due to a brain aneurism from undiagnosed leukemia. Erin was in the grade above me at Pomona, and I knew him even less than Cam. What I did know was that he loved the outdoors and seemed like he had a free spirit. I read yesterday that he traveled the globe, had some amazing adventures, and lived his life to the fullest. He was, in other words, a modern day gypsy; one who was happy, open, and always respectful and joyful. He died yesterday in a plane crash.

I wasn't best friends with these two men. I wouldn't even consider them friends, more acquaintances than anything else. But I know people who were deeply hurt by their passing, and it just made me think about how precious life truly is. I probably never would have seen those guys in those pictures again in life...but now, it is CERTAIN than I never will. Death creates a certainty that is ultimate, infinite, and powerful. It also makes me just so thankful of the gift of life God has given me and the people he has put into it. It makes me reflect on who I am, what I do, and who I'm with...and how appreciative I am of those things.

I read a post someone wrote about Erin, and I saw some questions he posed that I think are good reminders to ask ourselves:

Think about where you’re currently at in life, and where you want to be.  Are you on the path you want? What small change can you make today to start heading in the direction you want to be going?

What do you like to do? Do more of it.

Who do you like to be with? See them more often.

Where do you want to go? Just go, the details are just that.

Who do you want to be? Start being it. The only person who cares about your excuses are you.

And finally, something I read a while ago...Don't let what you want make you forget the things you have. 

Life truly is a gift. In the wan of wanting to pray more and reflect on God more often, this was a definite reminder of the realities in life and that the moments we have are precious and valuable. No time for excuses...just time to be a better person through God and allow Him to work in my life.

"Slow down everyone you're moving too fast." -Jack Johnson

Find a picture that defines your current idea of peace and quiet. 

This escape to Tybee Island is much needed for all parts of my being. So lucky to have found a man who sees God in the sea as much as I do. 

More than a Runner

I love this interview with Adam Goucher.http://www.flotrack.org/speaker/24-Adam-Goucher An amazing professional runner whose wife Kara is equally as talented. This alturistic account of what it's like to face realizations that your sport does not define you, your successes do not define you. The letdown that competitive athletes face when they come down off of the high points in their career or face this he struggles of decline in their athleticism as "life takes over"' is something that only those who experience it can understand. It can be a gripping paralysis on your self understanding and affect how you see your role in all other aspects of your life and even your relationships. This can obviously be compared to all of the other things we find identity in and how necessary it is to maintain a healthy perception of the way these things do and do not define us. Ultimately, our truest identity is in God and how we live lives of love, especially for those closest to us. I think the way Adam Goucher discovers this selflessness for his wife and family (they are proud parents now!) with his identity as a runner at the backdrop...and be able to put those pieces together and abandon his "self" to something greater than himself is a true mark of holiness. I can relate to this type of struggle and it touches my heart and inspires me to strive for this same type of perspective. Running doesn't define me but it is a big part of my spirituality and I am thankful that God can use it to teach me lessons about love, sacrifice and holiness.

Faith...

Cultivation.

Taking care of a plant is a huge process. It doesn't require simply placing a seed into the ground and expecting things to grow from it. One has to nurture it, watch it carefully, water it, make sure it's in a place where it would get plenty of sun, fertilize it, protect it from bugs or small animals, prune it...the list goes on and on. But when you do all of these things, the plant eventually grows strong, beautiful, fruitful...and due to the way nature beautifully works out, it in turn can affect the area around it due to pollination. When you put hard work into a seed, it can create such a huge impact.

This can be akin to prayer. When you work at prayer and your faith life, it can completely transform your life for the better, along with the people who you are involved with. I've come to know that when I pray and actively seek to improve my faith life, my own life in turn becomes more fruitful, healthy, and happy..and that my relationships with other people as well become more real and down to earth. And just like working with a seed, maintaining prayer for me is not a walk in the park. It takes a genuine effort, and the results of God's grace in my life can't be something I just "expect" to come along without me working for any of it. I've had the luck of working at Archbishop Carroll and being able to go to the Shrine every morning to pray. It was a huge blessing, but now looking back at it, I realize that maybe it was a kickstart from God to get me going in prayer. Since school has ended, my efforts to cultivate my "prayer seed" have been lackluster at best. God's grace is always something that I need in life, and I have to make sure to put in the efforts to make that happen. Whether it's maintaining daily prayer to writing in the prayer blog more often, I have to maintain and constantly work at being closer to Christ. 

Sometimes, one of the things that occur is that I get so behind in where I want to be with prayer and my faith, that I start feeling sorry for myself and ashamed that I haven't been "good enough" for God. That feeling can permeate and just make it harder to get back into the right swing of things. But I heard something about Judas (I believe it was on the radio...but to be honest, I'm not completely sure) that really has hit me lately. We all know Judas as the man who betrayed Jesus and then hung himself due to his shame. The tragedy of Judas doesn't lie in the betrayal, which is what everyone focuses on. It truly lies in his inability to seek forgiveness and to return to God. We are like Judas in the sense that we all have times in our lives where we fail, where we fall, where we may feel that all is completely lost and that we are not worthy of forgiveness. But that is where we are completely wrong. I will always remember that there is ALWAYS time to come back to God, to make things right, to get back into prayer, to maintain my writing, to grow and cultivate His seed in my soul. It does no good to wallow in wrongdoing, but rather to learn from what has occurred, reach out to God, and grow with His grace towards a better future. Here's to a pledge of more prayer, more blog writing, more personal growth towards God...gotta get that garden growing!

Seeing past the signs

So over the past few weeks, I've been meeting with a few friends to discuss the book "Letters to a Young Catholic." I highly recommend this book to anyone, whether it be a person of the faith or a curious bystander who wants to know more...the book goes very much into depth in different locations where the Catholic faith has taken prominence or has importance. These locations range from a monastery, a shrine, a pub, a neighborhood in Baltimore, MD, and more. Through the locations, the author George Weigel dives into spiritual subjects, using the different areas and the people who have lived in them to describe complex, deep ideas. So far, the book is nothing short of wonderful.

Last night, we were talking about the pub and got on the subject of signs. Before I go into signs, it would be helpful to give a little analogy. Think of a road sign that you see on the highway. The sign is signaling you to keep moving forward towards the end goal, and when we are in a car we generally use that to guide our way. However, we as people don't usually follow signs that we see in life that way. Take, for example, beauty. Beauty is something that people look at and revel in. But beauty...whether it is in nature, in people, in art, in music...beauty is something that is meant to bring us closer to God. It is a "sign" that is showing us towards God and what He has created for us. However, so many times we cut ourselves short and stay at the sign, thinking that just reaching that point is enough. Through the media and general outlook of signs, it is easy to get caught up in the crowd and simply stop short of the destination...to stunt our progress from what we really ought to be seeing.

There is a beautiful story that I think really describes this well. In the early Christian Church, several bishops were gathered outside a cathedral in Antioch, when a beautiful prostitute passed by on the street. Upon noticing her, the crowd of bishops looked away to avoid being seduced. Bishop Nonnus, however, stared intently at her, and then said to his fellow bishops, "Did not the wonderful beauty of that woman delight you?" The bishops remained silent. Nonnus insisted, "Indeed it delighted me," but he wept for her. When the prostitute saw how the bishop looked at her, she was caught off guard. No man had ever looked at her with such purity. He was not lusting after her, but rather saw something in her that she did not even see in herself. The simple purity of that one bishop's glance marked the beginning of her conversion to Christ. She soon returned to find him, and today, we know this former prostitute as St. Pelegia.

Bishop Nonnus saw past the sign to the destination. We all see signs in our life, some that easily point to God, and some that don't seem to point to God at all. It is in the ones in where we don't see God that require us to rethink, revisit, and assess how it DOES lead to Him. I know in my life, I have seen signs that don't require any second guessing as to where God is: education, nature, food, friendship, family, my relationship. But there are other parts of my life where I desperately need to connect the dots and see past the signs for what it is here on earth. Keep the signs of this world in the rearview, and allow the light of God to shine the way into eternal life.

Getting the edge back...

 

Since the year I went through RCIA and got confirmed in the Church (almost at the 7 year mark...whoot woo!! Go Catholics! haha) Lent has never ceased to be an amazing time of transformation for me. In fact, I welcome these 40 days in anticipation of clearing out the cobwebs and getting back to God. I've always been fortunate enough to be surrounded by wonderful people and positive reinforcement during Lent, as well.

  This year, hoping for and preparing for the same experience of this important time in the liturgical year, I have been frustratingly disappointed. Granted, there is nowhere to place blame (although I am frequented downtrodden by the fact that life out here in "anything goes" California has made my faith life more challenging than usual) I just sit here 10 days before Easter feeling no different. All the while I see Francisco having spiritually-enriching discussion at book club, going to the Shrine every morning and living the plan of Lent. I long for that and realize I have done a piss-poor job of seeking God intensely these past 4.5 weeks. It's like I've lost my spiritual edge. I feel this sense of urgency that these 40 days have almost elapsed and once they do my yearly chance to "make things right" and dust myself off, humbling my being before the Lord, will be gone and I will be doomed to a year of funk-on-funk-on-funk. 

   Before you laugh, I realize how ridiculous this sounds. It is never too late to crawl back to God, prayerfully seeking humility and self-denial. Enter the Daniel fast. Because food is such a big part of who I am I decided that I would seek God through my plate. The Daniel fast is meant to do exactly that. A fast of sorts (think vegan/unprocessed/unsweetened) that is biblical in origin and not terribly inconvenient. 21 days of cleansing the body and cleansing the soul. Sure this takes me past Easter Sunday which means no Sunday morning cinnamon rolls but hey, sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Sometimes God wants you to seek him outside the boundaries of time and tradition. I feel like that's where I'm at right now. The drudgery of a secular culture out here, endless obligations that prey on my pride and ego, and a general lack of a spiritual partner in crime have me in need of something more this time...

...so until I find some time to get myself to a weekend retreat I will just have to make room for God in prayer in other ways. 

    After all, it's become entirely too easy in today's fast-paced world of convenience and instant gratification to neglect the matters of the soul and stay in touch with that part of our being that is capable of so much more. The part that God seeks to nourish and cultivate...if we can only step away from the iphone and cereal bowl long enough to listen. 

What are your stones made of?

I came across this article and it absolutely hit home with me tonight. I've really been struggling through Lent and feeling the weight of that proverbially "spiritual desert" with great intensity. (How does this always seem to happen?) I've found myself at absolute odds with my "self" over-analyzing my every success and failure and feeling like I can't move a muscle without absolute self-pride, disgust and/or awareness. This is obviously not living in God's grace, but I've found it even difficult to pray about it because in prayer I seem to just get lost in a cycle of my own highs and lows and forget that I'm even praying. For these Type-A personality episodes I think the article highlights an important thing to remember: "part of the miracle of God is not that I live in perfection, but that the Spirit is somehow bringing all of these parts of me together, refining me, and teaching me how to live with myself." Marching onward and upward through the Lenten season and the stresses of a busy life, I can't imagine more important words for me to remember at the moment. 

"Kadinchey"

Life teaching at Carroll High School has been stressful. With a new subject, jaded kids, and challenging classroom management, it hasn't been an easy stroll in the park from the beginning. There have been times where I've felt like I hit a wall and dreaded seeing certain classes come into my room. I didn't really know this type of stress, one that almost paralyzed me...and that was such a strange, foreign feeling since I felt so confident teaching fifth and third grade.

As time has gone on, and now that we've moved into the period of Lent, it has been a real time of self-reflection. I've been going to the chapel for Our Lady of Guadalupe every day before school in the National Shrine just for a few minutes to pray...and that moment of calm, those precious few drops of absolute silence in reflection has been nothing but monumental to start my day. And what have I really focused on in those few moments in the morning?

It's been the ability to be thankful. Yes, my job is hard. Yes, the commute is sometimes an hour and is extricating. But there is SO MUCH to be thankful for in my life. From seeing the sun in the morning on the way to school...knowing that I am making at least some sort of difference, even when it is hard to see it...having a job to begin with...living in a home and being comfortable and knowing I have three square meals a day...being in a wonderful relationship...there is so much to be thankful for in life and more. I found a video on youtube that sort of models this in a song form. A dj called DJ Pogo took sounds from a trip to Bhutan and transformed it into a song called Kadinchey, which in Bhutanese means "Thank You." There is so much in life to be thankful for...the songs, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, everything around us. During this Lenten season, take some time and just be thankful for what you have and what is around you...especially the small, seemingly insignificant things we don't typically notice. God blesses us in so many ways...all we have to do is open our eyes and see the good that He gives us!

Beauty

Thanks to Tish Wilsey for sending me this photo with the caption

"I took this today and I just wanted you to have it.  What started out as a 2 hour fog delay turned into finding something beautiful within it....."

It's always inspiring when you see a friend finding God in the details. Thanks Tish :)

Don't keep waiting for a miracle..

...they are happening in front of your eyes everyday.

 a selection from Martin Luther’s “Lectures on Genesis, Chapters 1-5:

"Miracles become commonplace through their continuous recurrence. Thus we do not marvel at the wonderful light of the sun, because it is a daily phenomenon. We do not marvel at the countless other gifts of creation, for we have become deaf toward what Pythagoras aptly terms this wonderful and most lovely music coming from the harmony of the motions that are in the celestial spheres. But because men (sic) continually hear this music, they become deaf to it, just as the people who live at the cataracts of the Nile are not affected by the noise and roar of the water which they hear continually, although it is unbearable to others who are not accustomed to it…“Everything that is rare is appreciated, but what is an everyday occurrence comes to be regarded as commonplace.” If the stars did not rise during every single night or in all places, how great a gathering of people there would be for this spectacle! Now not one of us even opens a window because of it."

...Now that Lent has begun, even after 2 days I have noticed (yet again) how much I seem to miss the things I am "giving up." I find myself thinking about these changes in my routine at various points in my day, evidencing how attached we really do become to things in our lives. But as I continue forward into these desert days of Lent, I know that what is found in the place of these things that I "miss" right now is room for deep prayer and meditation on/recognition of all the little miracles that I witness each day, yet rarely even recognize. God truly is in the details and too often we are too busy or too wrapped up in routine to notice the intricate pattern of a leaf on a tree we walk by each day...or the color of the sky when we walk or drive the same route everyday, or the texture of the vegetables we chop for dinner and the knowledge of all of the amazing nutrients that are locked inside, or simple our own heartbeat...brain...nervous system...working in tandom without our instruction to keep us alive and alert. Life is AMAZING! There are so many miracles to marvel at. See if you can find "a miracle a day" as you journey through this Lenten season....

God's dream for the world

"Visions and dreams...do we trust them? Many people who heard Peter's speech at Pentecost thought that the visions and dreams he spoke of were the result of too much wine. When we allow the Spirit to move in us, we become dreamers too. God's dreams for the world live in us through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. The "portion of the Spirit" that falls on us is needed by the rest of the world. When we trust our visions and dreams and join them with the visions and dreams of others, God's dream for the world becomes a reality." 

What do we believe God's dream for the world to be? 
How do I participate in making that dream a reality? 

God in the gaps

“… nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love, and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; he doesn’t fill it, but on the contrary, he keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain.”
—
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Christmas Eve 1943, writing from prison to his fiancee and best friend


I suppose it is a little strange of me to post a quote like this when I still have 3 days left with my better half until I have to go back to California for school. I saw this on a friend's blog though and it struck a chord with me. The gap that exists between two people sharing and cultivating a relationship from far away does not magically dissipate with the knowledge that Christ binds our hearts together. Instead the magnitude of that distance is always felt, as if God keeps it in place to leave room for certain things to develop and be shared that otherwise couldn't be. Either way, the ebb and flow of spending time with the one you love and then being away from them again keeps the soul stirring if nothing else...a reminder that each moment is precious...and each moment a sign of God's desire for us to experience Him in each other...I take the time to see these fragile and beautiful realities when I know what it is like to experience the aforementioned "gap". It is the season of rebirth and as the ever-familiar lonely feeling begins its attempt to take up residence in my heart I look to God for peace...for patience...for trust and understanding ...for enthusiasm and diligence....in thanksgiving of the gift. Because while I know that He does not in fact fill the gap I do know that
....caminamos en la luz de Dios! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_am5crjgCCE&feature=youtube_gdata_player